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Don’t Sleep! Mathai 2

“Mind you, Mathaicha!”

“Yes? Master”.

“With whom have you talked most in your life?”

“What? Why, Guru, such mind-boggling questions in the very morning….” Mathai reflected. Still the question is interesting.

I searched my memory. With whom have I talked most? It was to my mother I mostly addressed my needs. Is it to my mother, then? Anyway, it is not to my father. A great conversationalist, he spent most of his time reciting poems, cracking jokes and amusing his audience with exaggerated accounts. I used to savour them on those occasions he was home. Listening and saying ‘Hm’ in concordance are also forms of speech, aren’t they? ‘samsaram oru minsaram’. In Tamil ‘samsarm’ means wife. ‘minsaram’ electricity. In a way, that’s also true. I often received electric shock while talking to her. So, could it be to her? In the early days of our marital life, I’ve bombarded her with accounts of my heroic exploits. Later, as I exhausted my stock, I assumed the attitude: “Why tell her all this? After all, she is my wife!”. Taken for granted.

“I’ve chatted more with Amminikutty, my sweet heart- sweet nothings-but that too was short-lived”.

Mathai felt a deep sigh emerging from him. She was a singer. The lines she once sang rush in her rendering was great. Beautiful ‘saareeram’ (voice). Not ‘sareeram’ (body). In fact, that too was not bad. But once your gaze has slided down the head and bosom, there wasn’t much to catch your eyes. It went straight down in an undistinguished contour.

‘Leave it all. With whom have you talked…’

The answer eludes. I’ve engaged in lengthy conversations with many people.

As a teacher I used to lecture for five-six hours a day. But that was monologue, wasn’t it? Well, to whom then?

Somebody from within cries out: “ None other than you! Instances? Who have you been talking to till now?”

That’s true! From the moment I get up in the morning I begin to talk to myself:

a fellow, take a leak; wash your face…” Not with urine of course. Does it matter even if it is so? Didn’t Morarji Deasai drink urine? Urine therapists insist that massaging the face and body with urine is more effective than applying balaswagandhadi oil. Thanks to the past Prime Minister, he hasn’t forbidden us from keeping our noses shut.

‘Who is talking now? And to whom?’ Annotate.

‘You are talking to yourself. Without sound?’

Yes. But can’t these silent conversations, these internal thoughts, be called internal speech? Added to it the inner responses, it constitutes an internal dialogue.

That sounds interesting. So, I’ve been talking to myself more than to anyone else in the world, and so shall it be in the future! I understand, Guru, Guro-

As I listen to this internal dialogue I discern different styles, contents…. Everything is different. Different persons talk to me from within. I reply to them with love or with rage.

I realize that my mind is a multitudinous entity.

‘Mathaicha, this is a good hypothesis’.

Where do they all reside, then? In yourself.

“Ho! So there is a world within myself inhabited by these people?

“Do you know its name? You don’t know. It is the internal world.

“Internal world? Don’t I live and move in the external world?”

‘Yes and No’.

‘What do you mean?’

“The situations and incidents you come across in the external world are real. Yet, owing to the distortion or diversity of your vision you don’t see them as what they really are”.

“Guru, I’m afraid I don’t understand”.

‘I’ll make you understand’.

“Suppose your mother stands beside you. You initiate a conversation with her, calling her ‘mother’. Your father is also seated in a chair not far away”.

When you identify the woman as your mother, your father identifies her as his wife. Does each part of her body stimulate the same responses in you as it does in your father? Her parents will say that she is their daughter. To a stranger she is simply a woman. To brothers she is sister. To friends she is a friend, and in the office she is a Deputy Secretary. So, that woman in the external world becomes your mother in your internal world. In fact, you have been attributing and projecting the identity of ‘mother’ to that woman in the external world, haven’t you?”

“Your father, according to his imagination, places her in his internal world as his wife. In fact, she is only a woman, a human being”.

“Oh, this is complex! Very complex. Still, I think I begin to understand things. Mathai too has brains!”

“Mathaicha, well before your brain became this sharp you had begun to assimilate things the people in your family and society said and did. You’ve been assimilating them through different mental attitudes and beliefs. The place you’ve installed them is your internal world. A lot of people inhabit that world. In that case, is the internal world a mirror image of the external world?”

“It is not, my child. How can it be? You perceived them through your senses. You used sieves of your own choice and filtered them. Then you placed them in your internal world, giving them different forms and colours based on the knowledge you’ve gained from different people”.

“Anyhow, this internal world is the creation of the external world, isn’t it?”

“Not at all. It is your creation. You are creative”.

“I am a creator? Eh!”

“Yes, every moment you recast and then again modify the people, world and your creations within yourself. As you think more, observe things closely, and hit by surprises the nature and structure of your internal world change. Many of the dreadful thoughts arising from that are mere paper tigers.”

“Then, there’s a big crowd in my internal world”.

“Not only a crowd, their world as well. They did not create them. You did. And you talk to them constantly or as the situations demand”.

“It is beginning to dawn on me, Guru. But don’t I change too as I talk to these different people? I do observe changes in my voice, tone and expressions”.

“Oh, you’ve begun to see it. Fine. You mean, you become a son when you talk to your father, a husband when you talk to your wife, a father with your children, a leader when you lead a procession and such a humorous person when you drink”.

“Oh, please! Don’t pull my leg, Guru. You mean to say there are many ‘I’ s within myself, don’t you? What exactly do you mean by that? Don’t confuse me, Guru!”

“I won’t my son. Cool it. These different ‘I’s are the different roles you play in the drama you call ‘life’- the countless roles you play in accordance with situations. Don’t you discern the diversity in the dialogues, tone-shift and expressions?”

“I’ve never seen it in this light. I believed that all of them were the ‘I’- the single ‘I’. Believing in this folly, I argued and quarrelled with others”.

“Don’t worry, my dear. People like you respond quite unwittingly, without being aware of the shifts in roles”.

That is, a policeman, or a teacher, might behave at their homes in the same way as they do in the police station or in the school. The result would be catastrophic. Children need a loving father, and wive their husbands. They will protest when it is denied to them. In their ignorance they will protest blindly and violently. Then, their reigns a state of unrest, followed by a little mutter of disgust, heated arguments, and then finally war”.

“I got it now.

Guru. Still this poor Mathaichan has a question”.

You say these different ‘I’s act in different roles. But, shouldn’t there be, behind all this, a consistent ‘I’ who plays these roles.

“Who is he? Where is he?”

You can’t understand all that at a stretch.

“See, This is not fair. Is it a Sisyphean pursuit, then? Those teachers, priests, swamis and intellectuals also say the same thing when they stumble over a question. Save that trick for someone else. Not to this Mathai! There is a Christian Church at Palayam. Also there is a Mosque across from it. Go and tell your excuses there, not to me!”

“Don’t get worked up, you silly. There are things you can’t fully grasp through mere words. To achieve that knowledge you must observe yourself”.

“Then give me some guidance, at least”.

“Well, that’s a reasonable request. I’ll give you directions. Will you act accordingly?”

“What a question is this?”

“You’ll find it quite hard. Well, first of all you’ve to wake up”.

“Do you mean to say that I’m asleep now?”

“Yes, my dear Mathai. You and your lot (the multitude) are sleeping”.

What do you mean?

“How do those who are sleeping differ from those who are not? Suppose you are sleeping. “Achaya, are you sleeping?” your wife is asking you. You won’t be able to answer. You are not conscious of the actions when you are asleep”. If we are not conscious of the actions we are performing, we are sleeping.

“I don’t understand”.

“You will understand now. You are reading, aren’t you?”

“Where is your hand placed?”

‘Here, like this’.

‘Your legs?’

‘Like this…?’

“Didn’t you move them while answering me? Didn’t the positions change? Till now you were not conscious of their exact positions. Your hands and legs suddenly awoke to consciousness”.

“That is true. The positions changed, automatically.

“If we consciously observe our body and mind they will suddenly wake up. They will change. You will realize that they were sleeping till then.

“Now Mathai knew where he has to look at, but when?

“Here, now, this moment… only our experiences in the present, in this very moment, are felt as real. So, are these experiences in the present the reality – the cognitive content we receive through our five senses?”

“Yes. These experiences, in the next moment, metamorphose into memory. Hopes and wishes of the future merge with the present, and then disappear into the past”.

That’s interesting! But when this Mathai looks into his own mind, he sees the past, filled with old sorrows and bitter memories together with the anxieties regarding the future trying to strangle the present”.

“It is a good observation. The past and the future are two thieves who steal the present under cover of darkness- the unconscious. Then you fall asleep and move about mechanically”.

“You are right, Guru. Look at those people walking along the road. They are hardly aware that they are walking. They move along quite mechanically, smiling, muttering and gesticulating, unaware of their surroundings. Their minds are not here in the present. Body here. Mind elsewhere.

“Yes. You begin to understand things. The realization that you’ve been unaware of your actions itself is awareness. Awareness simply means the state of being conscious of your actions and feelings. More the awareness, more awake one becomes. One who acts awake turns out to be more efficient”. Then you make few mistakes. You’ll be more energetic. You’ll be free of stress and strain…”

“That’s great! But my next question is whether we can always keep ourselves awake and act with awareness”.

“Good question not always. Not possible when you are really asleep. And we ‘sleep’ even when we claim that we are awake. It is not human nature to be awake always.”

“Yes, Guru. We often sleep. We get entangled in thoughts. We move away from the present”.

“How can we wake up a person who is sleeping? He will get up if we shake him awake, won’t he? Similarly you can ask yourself: ”Hey, Mathaicha, are you here? Where are you?” You will immediately awake to the present”.

“Good idea. I’ll try it”.

“While doing this you must observe yourself- the role you are acting, the dialogue you articulate….”

“For that you’ve to create another ‘I’, an impartial observer within yourself.

How, Guru?

You know there are many ‘I’s in you. Son Mathai. Psychotherapist Mathai. Foolish Mathai. Holy Mathai. Profane Mathai. Philosopher Mathai. Lecherous Mathai. Moralist Mathai. Jealous Mathai. Atheist Mathai. Devout Mathai. Angry Mathai…. It is not impossible to create one more Mathai. Mathai, the impartial self-observer of the present. Let him, like a football commentator, make a live report of things going on. This observer Mathai is simply there to observe, uninvolved, every change in your body and mind, including your conscience which acts like a referee in the match. It is interesting to watch them all appearing and disappearing every moment. The Aware Mathai is present there.

“Wait, I’ve another doubt. What will people think of me, if these different ‘I’s behave differently in different situations? Won’t they say that I am unreliable, inconsistent in words and deeds, someone of doubtful origins…?”

“Mind you, Mathai, is there anything as consistency? Doesn’t everything always keep moving and changing? Once you gain insight you’ll have some control over yourself. Who brings in this control?”

“Observe and find out”.

“You can also discover the real ‘I’, the real Mathai, behind all this”.

“Oh, don’t leave me in the dark, simply saying, “You will discover!” Tell me at least who he is, Guru”.

“Learn it from experience. We could call it life- force- the force emanating from your body, mind and actions.

“Could it be God or something, my Lord?”

“Ha! Ha! Ha! You will find out all that. Then give it any name you like. Give it form. But don’t lose your insight”.

I know you won’t say anymore. So, I shall summon up a self-observer and observe things, here and now. I shall live with awareness.

“Good boy. Mind youi, don’t take it too hard. No need to make any promises. Constant vigil is simply impossible. Let that not plague you. Keep on trying. You will be rewarded. Once you visualize yourself achieving a goal, that is, once you form a mental picture, you’ll grow into it. Well, this will do for the time being”.

“Thanks a lot, Guru, for making this hard stuff digestible”.

“Then Mathai asked in cinema-style:”

“May Mathaichan take his leave?”.